I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
