You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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