just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
