Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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