Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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