No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
