Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
