You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
