walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
