She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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