i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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