I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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