I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
