just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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