No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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