just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
