he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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