I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
This toilet bowl is my home.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
