My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize