I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
