please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
