Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
