also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
