I CAN MOONWALK!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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