Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize