omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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