Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
