Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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