I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
