I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize