I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
