Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize