I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
