Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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