There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
