Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
