True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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