Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
