I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
