Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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