there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
