he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
