Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
