I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
