So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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