someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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