Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
