the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize