I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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