broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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