just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
my liver is dry heaving
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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