Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
