I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Small penises have feelings too.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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