everyone is single if you try hard enough
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
