No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
