I'm sorry my penis didn't work
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
