4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize
