Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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