you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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