Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
