I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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